SHOULDA! WOULDA! COULDA!

SHOULDA WOULDA COULDA

We all have these "I should," "I would," and "I could" thoughts about so many things. Not only do they feed our overwhelm, which in turn feeds anxiety but they also create a huge amount of guilt because these sentences imply something undone. You're giving yourself a list of things, with no real intention of completing them, you have instantly set yourself up to fail!

That’s partly where overwhelm comes from: it never leaves your mind. If you say today, "I should go to the gym," and don’t, and then tomorrow say it again, and 365 days later you’re still saying, "I should," it’s been looping in your head for over a year occupying your thoughts, beating yourself up every day.

I think it’s helpful to write a list and I call it the "shoulda, woulda, coulda," list. When you find yourself saying "I should," write it down. Or "I could," write it down. Or "I would," write it down. You’ll start to see different patterns.

"I should" is usually external pressure media, family, friends, something others think you should do.

"I would" is often a personal block; it’s the excuse. The "I would" list tends to have lots of attached excuses.

"I could" is where you might be more realistic, but you just have no intention.

Once you have your "shoulda woulda coulda" list remember, it’s ongoing, you can add to it over time create a second list: change the "shoulda woulda coulda" phrases to "I want to," "I can," and "I will." This is a much more powerful list they are action statements but of course it’s not that easy now for the buts! If you work through each item, I’m going to use "going to the gym" as an example, since it’s common in my work with clients. But you can apply this method to anything.

Start with the I want to: "I want to go to the gym." You’ll probably encounter some "but’s" here: "I want to go to the gym, but..." Now you can act on these "but" barriers. There may be many, and each will need thought and a solution. Once you’ve removed as many of the "I want to" buts as possible, it’s time for the next list.

Remember though, the problem here isn’t the aim (going to the gym) but, the "but" barriers. These are often emotional "buts" like "I don’t feel confident," "I won’t fit in," or "people will stare at me." Each is valid and will take some thought to overcome. When you know what’s at the root, you can isolate your biggest "but" barrier. Clear all the "buts," until you can confidently say without hesitation, "I want to go to the gym."

Next is the I can list: "I can go to the gym." When you change it to "I can," there might still be some "buts": "I can go to the gym but…" These "buts" are often physical barriers such as "I can’t afford the membership," "I don’t have time," or "I don’t know how to use the equipment." Work through these "buts."

Now, some "buts" may not be changeable right now. For example, "I can go to the gym, but I can’t afford the membership." If your sole desire was the gym itself, you might feel stuck. But often, the real goal is health and fitness. So, change the thought to: "I can go to the gym, but I can’t afford the membership, so I will…," for example, walk 10,000 steps a day.

You might remove all the "buts" and move straight to "I will go to the gym." It’s now time to act. With all your "buts" cleared, you’re ready to go to the gym!

Of course, in your "shoulda woulda coulda" list, there will be things you can’t filter or realize are unimportant. So, there’s one final list: "I don’t need to worry about this." These are things that aren’t currently on your radar but have entered from old patterns, outside influences, or things that can’t be actioned yet because of unresolved "buts." You can put them on the "I don’t need to worry about this" list. It’s useful to add a reason, which might be a, "but" you couldn’t resolve, like "I can’t afford it," and leave it there. It may change in the future, and you can decide then whether it needs your attention. For now, you’ve dealt with it and can move on with your "I can," "I want to," and "I will."

Often, our decision-making is affected by so much external and internal noise. Working through it this way shuts out the noise, gets to the root of the problem, and stops overwhelm and guilt.

So, get yourself a "shoulda woulda coulda" list, shut out the noise and act on what really matters.